Lately, I've been scared. Terrified. MORTIFIED.
Of what? I will tell you in one single word that should sum it all up: Deployment.
Yep, it's that word that NO ONE really wants to hear, but we all know it's there.
I just can't shake this feeling that B's gonna be deployed soon. Whether 'soon' is in the next 6 months or next 2 years...I don't know. But I can't shake it.
Many people have said, "Well you chose this."
Yes. I chose to marry a United States Soldier. Yes, B chose to become a protector of our freedom. Would we change it? Not necessarily. But just because we CHOSE something, doesn't make it any less hard.
I'm scared to death of sleeping alone. The bed will be cold. It won't slump in the middle where B's body weight crushes it down every night. I won't wake up randomly in the middle of the night because B chases me in his sleep and finally catches me on the edge and I'm clinging to him for fear of tumbling into the beige carpet below.
I'm scared to death of eating dinner alone. I only cook if I have someone to cook for. I love hearing every night how good of a cook I am.
Of what? I will tell you in one single word that should sum it all up: Deployment.
Yep, it's that word that NO ONE really wants to hear, but we all know it's there.
I just can't shake this feeling that B's gonna be deployed soon. Whether 'soon' is in the next 6 months or next 2 years...I don't know. But I can't shake it.
Many people have said, "Well you chose this."
Yes. I chose to marry a United States Soldier. Yes, B chose to become a protector of our freedom. Would we change it? Not necessarily. But just because we CHOSE something, doesn't make it any less hard.
I'm scared to death of sleeping alone. The bed will be cold. It won't slump in the middle where B's body weight crushes it down every night. I won't wake up randomly in the middle of the night because B chases me in his sleep and finally catches me on the edge and I'm clinging to him for fear of tumbling into the beige carpet below.
I'm scared to death of eating dinner alone. I only cook if I have someone to cook for. I love hearing every night how good of a cook I am.
I'm scared of having no one but myself to clean up after. I'm scared of not mumbling about B leaving his shoes out or not putting a dish in the dishwasher even though it'd take just as long to put it there instead of the counter.
I'm scared of our house not SMELLING like him. Even when he gets back from the gym and is stinky.
I don't want to look over and not see him concentrating on something and can't help thinking how handsome he is and how well I married.
I don't like emptiness. I don't like loneliness. I don't like any of it.
BUT...
I WILL look any deployments in the face, jut my chin up and say in my best gangsta tone, "What?!"
I WILL stay strong for B. He'll be in a tougher situation than I will be. He needs me to be strong, and so I will.
I WILL turn to my Heavenly Father on a daily basis. It's the only way I truly made it through basic, AIT, and whatever else the Army has thrown at us.
I WILL talk to both of our families on a daily basis. They were also the main reason we got through everything. I know they will be there for comfort and support.
I WILL stay strong, busy, and optimistic.
And...
I undoubtedly and without fail, will smile every day because I married my best friend at the right time and place. Even thousands of miles, missiles, and "battle rattle" will not change that.
On a different note:
We had our niece, Kaylee, come out over the long weekend. It was a blast!
We took her to all of the fun things (well most of them) and just let her come and relax.
It was great.
Oh, and have I mentioned that B will be graduating in less than a month? So we're saying hello to:
1: Employment opportunities
2: House hunting
3: Packing (dreading this one)
4: Test taking...not the little ones...the ONLY one that matters. Cross your fingers!
Oh, and our car got in a small fender-bender (VERY small) but we're learning about our insurance! Yippee...
Happy Sunday!
I'm scared of our house not SMELLING like him. Even when he gets back from the gym and is stinky.
I don't want to look over and not see him concentrating on something and can't help thinking how handsome he is and how well I married.
I don't like emptiness. I don't like loneliness. I don't like any of it.
BUT...
I WILL look any deployments in the face, jut my chin up and say in my best gangsta tone, "What?!"
I WILL stay strong for B. He'll be in a tougher situation than I will be. He needs me to be strong, and so I will.
I WILL turn to my Heavenly Father on a daily basis. It's the only way I truly made it through basic, AIT, and whatever else the Army has thrown at us.
I WILL talk to both of our families on a daily basis. They were also the main reason we got through everything. I know they will be there for comfort and support.
I WILL stay strong, busy, and optimistic.
And...
I undoubtedly and without fail, will smile every day because I married my best friend at the right time and place. Even thousands of miles, missiles, and "battle rattle" will not change that.
On a different note:
We had our niece, Kaylee, come out over the long weekend. It was a blast!
We took her to all of the fun things (well most of them) and just let her come and relax.
It was great.
Oh, and have I mentioned that B will be graduating in less than a month? So we're saying hello to:
1: Employment opportunities
2: House hunting
3: Packing (dreading this one)
4: Test taking...not the little ones...the ONLY one that matters. Cross your fingers!
Oh, and our car got in a small fender-bender (VERY small) but we're learning about our insurance! Yippee...
Happy Sunday!
2 comments:
This breaks my heart! I love you girly and how strong you are! <3
I love you too! :)
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